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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington highlights a fun bilingual performance and an ad-libbed Shakespeare company. Curiously absent from the public schedule is this week's Geopolitics World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively invitation-only event. Planners appear determined to keep out any unwanted attendees from showing up at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory ceremony where well-paid luminaries will undoubtedly parrot the well-worn platitude that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

This glitzy ceremony is due to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron star Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will preside over a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans nostalgic for missing the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last almost three grueling hours, the show will feature a staggering agenda of speechifying, saccharine highlight reels, scripted jokes, celebrity guests, performances from acts with either little shame or financial motivations, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Detail

Among those helping to conducting the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, barring an armed snatch-squad storming the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the reply was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With 42 countries already qualified for next summer's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. But as fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their own country will play in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through steadfast dedication and notable actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the tournament is mostly in the US, speculation about the winner are widespread, even if the hints are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side in the midst of a five-match winless run, providing a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, requiring an additional song?"